Guys, it’s officially February aka home to my FAVOURITE holiday – Valentine’s Day! Ugh, I know, I know, who wants to be bombarded with reminders of your single-dom when you already have the cold to tackle this month? Well guess what, y’all, I read your horoscopes and it’s all gonna be okay! Read on to find out what’s in store these next 28 days.
Sagittarius: Get in loser, we’re going shopping! Just kidding – like Gretchen Weiners, there will be none for you. Not all of us can have Toaster Strudel inventing dads, so this month is all about saving cash. What are you waiting for? Pull out that tin can, grab your fanciest marker, and remind yourself to “have some self-restraint for once in your life, kiddo.”
Aquarius: This month you will be overwhelmed by a daunting task even Elle Woods would cower from. Fear not though, a great friend will help you out, so long as you remember to take your clothes out of the wash these next few weeks. Beware though, Neptune is brewing. Flaming hot Cheetos are not to be accepted from anyone, especially little old ladies in black velour track suits. You have been warned.
Pisces: Valentine’s Day is coming up, and lucky for you, love is in the air! Let your significant other know how much you care by getting a caricature of their face tattooed on your back. Still single? No worries – a love potion is all it will take. You will need 1/2 cup of freshman tears, 1 mermaid scale, a sprinkle of sugar, and the full screenplay of The Notebook. Mix together and simmer on medium high for 8-10 minutes. Let cool for 5 minutes before sipping slowly.
Aries: Feel like the world is pulling you down? That no matter what you do, or how hard you try, things just seem to get worse and worse? Don’t worry kitten, this is your month to shine. With a little hard work, and a lot of cuticle oil, great rewards will be reaped this month. So what are you waiting for? Throw your hair up and down that cup of coffee, because it is time to WORK.
Taurus: Great things will begin to happen if you allow yourself to push past your comfort zones. No, really though – grab your BFF and get ready for the insta post of your life, because within the next 28 days, Taurus’ everywhere will be jumping plane. Maybe it’ll happen on the way to school, or during that corporate team building event you’ve been dreading all year… Either way, prepare to float 12, 500ft above ground level before stepping off the ledge, and tumbling 200mph towards potential death and broken bones. Survive this experience and with every right swipe, will come a tinder match made in heaven (while supplies last).
Cancer: On the 24th of this month, a dark and mysterious man will show up at your doorstep. One knock signals a drop in social media followers, two knocks, a promise of clear, dewy skin. He will offer you a simple bag of kale chips and coconut water. Take the offer. You’re never drinking enough fluids anyway, and kale chips are just plain delicious.
Gemini: Your magic word of the month is sleep. Resist the urge to stay up late and binge the latest season of your favourite show (unless it’s The Good Place – never not binge watch The Good Place). If you choose to follow this path of plumped pillows, and silky pyjamas, the stars will look favourably upon you these next couple of months (think, fit tea sponsorships and a retweet from Ryan Reynolds himself).
Leo: What do you call a sad cup of coffee? A depresso. Don’t be a depresso this month, and be sure to re-watch as many chick flick classics as your corneas can handle. With this will come an urge for all things bold and flashy. Follow your instincts, for Regina George and her mother’s pink velour tracksuit will be watching over you. A little plastic never hurt nobody (except of course the thousands of sea turtles and various other sea mammals killed every year due to plastic consumption and/or classic strangulation as illustrated in the 2006 Academy Award winning animated film Happy Feet).
Virgo: Be wary of any and all Fit Tea sponsorships that may come your way. Stay patient, and better brand deals will come your way. Consider reaching out to one of the girl’s on this season’s The Bachelor for mentors can be found in all shapes, sizes, and midnight rose ceremonies.
Libra: Are you a fake noodle? Don’t be an impasta this month, and speak your truth. Whether that’s confessing your indifference towards Game of Thrones, or stepping in at the first sound of a “well, actually…” allowing your most authentic self to shine through will push you to level up and become the best you you can be. And what’s not to love about that?
Scorpio: Allow yourself to pull a Kylie Jenner and ease off of social media this month of February. Doing so will allow you to refresh, clear your head, and take some time to focus on yourself, your wants, and your needs. Don’t worry, your social media accounts will still be there when you get back. Your followers will be in such a tizzy when you return, Kris Jenner herself would be proud.
Capricorn: Just like atoms, we all have that one friend who makes up everything. Don’t waste your time on friends who take away, rather than add to your life! Like a two-on-one date in Bachelor world, some babes are best left behind on a desert island, while you sail away on the next boat towards love, wifi, and lemon scented bedsheets.
Stay cool! Be chill!